I was sorting through my hundreds of backed up emails the other day after a modem crisis. I saw an email from my best friend of twenty some years. She was innocently inquiring about my daughter’s birthday when she made a near fatal mistake…
Hey, isn’t it almost Kelsey’s birthday? The 23rd? The 29th? Something like that, right?
Where ya been? I haven’t seen you online for a couple days. Not since you left to go watch Tony lose the race the other day. (Sorry. Had to say that.)
Maybe we’ll talk tomorrow. I was just wondering about Kelsey’s birthday and trying to remember when it is. Maybe it’s the 28th. Seems like it’s the twenty somethingth. I don’t think that’s a word. Oh well. Add it to our dictionary.
“Hmmm”…I thought as I bristled at the thought of MY Smoke being called a “loser”. I decided that instead of being purely vindictive I would educate her. I began my instruction in several E-Lessons from the Church of the Great Oval.
The following e-lessons were delivered to her email :
1. 11:03:05 AM MST 8/23/05 A very large file (1.3 MB) containg a very LARGE picture of Tony Stewart. First lesson in identifying GREATNESS.
2. 11:03:31 AM MST 8/23/05 Church of the Great Oval E-Lesson #1
Subject:RE: Tony losing
Date:8/23/2005 11:03:31 PM Mountain Daylight Time
From: Church of the Great Oval
Reply To: COTGreatOval@aol.com
To:!#$$%^^@wmconnect.com (not the real email address)
Sent on: 8/23/2005 11:03:31
Sent from the Internet
A little Nascar Lesson…
1. Tony did not LOSE. He was 5th which keeps him in the top ten of the race which still adds points to the chase to the championship. (HE IS THE LEADER you know…HE is GOING to WIN the championship hands down and that is just the way it is.) So mote it be…
He started around 38th cuz he was fooling everyone the night before. He wanted the other drivers to think his car wouldn’t do well when he was qualifying. It’s all part of the PLAN girly-girl. He finished 5th, which is Awesome. You need to watch the races to see that he is usually leading the whole race. Once in awhile he LETS someone pass him. That is because he feels sorry for them and let’s them have a couple points for leading a lap or two… he is so nice, and even tempered and courteous and cautious. He worry’s the other drivers delicate feelings might be hurt if he hogs all the lead all the time. HE IS THE GREATEST DRIVER ON EARTH!!
There. I had to give you the lesson and set you straight about a few things…and you better not be rooting for Jeff Gordon, or DE JR. Jimmy Johnson is right behind Tony so you cannot root for him either, even if he is gorgeous.
3. 11:06:26 AM MST 8/23/05 Another file (6.5 KB) containing a picture of Tony Stewart driving the #20 Home Depot beauty. E-lesson on in car identification of the BEST of the BEST.
4. 11:06:44 AM MST 8/23/05 File (13.3 KB) containing next e-lesson in identifiying the #20 Home Depot Chevy. (She’s a smart gal. Usually two digit numbers aren’t to tough for her to remember. I was concerned however, about the loss of her mental cognition, perception, and Reality Orientation after the comment about Tony in her original email.)
5. 11:30:35 AM MST 8/23/2005 She replied back. She said something showing she needed more education. Something like:”I saw the standings and I didn’t see Tony anywhere.”
I immediately said a Church of the Great Oval prayer for her soul ‘s salvation and replied back with E-Lesson # 2.
If you go to : http://www.nascar.com/ you will see my boy’s name at the front of all of them…you were sorely mistaken honey…..
or you can go to http://www.tonystewart.com/
or….do I need to say more?
I also added a few graphics to the lesson that said :BIFF!! SLAM!! POW!!
APPLAUSE!! (with audio)
6. I , being the Educational Director at Church of the Great Oval, then forwarded many,many pages from the Sacred Site www.nascar.com . Pages and pages of stats and information. Information and Stats all day long poured in to her box. Home Depot Driver Tony Stewart stats and pictures and bio’s…
I received the following reply at the end of the day:
Subject: Re: NASCAR.com – Races – Standings
Date:8/23/2005 8:06:20 PM Mountain Standard Time
Holy shit. Okay, okay. Tony Stewart rules! Yea! Go Tony! Weeeee! I made a boo boo. I won’t let THAT happen again. If I feel inclined to say something negative again, I’ll make sure I say it about somebody that doesn’t matter so much – like Dale or one of your children. Or God. Okay????
That is right my friend…Always be humble, and BOW TO GREATNESS.