NASCAR Rumors ~ Tony Stewart and Ryan Newman Duo to finally be confessed?

  True Confessions?

NASCAR has announced that Tony Stewart will be conducting a teleconferance at 2 PM today. Ryan Newman is also doing a CAM teleconference for NASCAR at 3 p.m. today.
Sounds like they are going to beat the press’s guess of an announcement on Friday at Indy.

I tend to get sick of writing real NASCAR news during Silly Season, so at The Church Tabernacle, we made up our own Silly Season rumor’s.

Here are a few. Spread them around and see how many become “true”. The names submitting the rumors are omitted to protect the guilty.

  • Tony Stewart will decide to retire and start a retreat for head trauma patients with mood disorders.
  • Kyle Busch pays 20 million dollars to jockey the Mars landing mission! Mission Control to shout “Yeee-hah!” instead of “Houston, we have liftoff.”
  • Dale Earnhardt Jr will attempt to alienate his fans by declaring them “immature know-nothings.”
    That will backfire on him though, and will endear him to Jr Nation even more as they take it as acknowledgement and even a compliment.
  • Hendrick Motorsports involved in scandal involving race cars that are within the Nascar rules and regulations.
  • Casey Mears signs with Team Cialis, vowing to stay in the lead lap of races up to 4 hours long.
  • Tstew will open a salon for back hair removal.
  • Chevrolet Racing Division will withdraw support from NASCAR due to financial difficulties, but GM will start promoting its successful Daiwoo division in NASCAR. DEI and RCR will announce they will begin racing Daiwoos in 2010, and Rick Hendrick will collect from Honda what is due him from the bribes he paid them, and HMS will be racing Hondas in 2010.
  • The #40 car will not go unused. It will be driven by Princess Danica.
  • ESPN will see the error of their ways, dump Jayski along with Terry Blount plus David Newton with Marty Smith, and beg me to come on board. (** Guess who said that? )
  • I’ll tell them to eff off and hire John Daly alongside Pamela Britton instead.
  • Robby Gordon sells 51% of his team to Tony Stewart, thus forming Flash Smoke Racing Inc. After switching back to running Chevy’s, Tony takes over driving duties of the #7, sponsored by Home Depot & Jim Beam. Patrick Carpentier joins the team in the #14 Canadian Club car. RG, glad to be rid of the headaches of making day to day decisions for the team, becomes RCR’s fourth driver.
  • Kyle and Kurt go off and form their own team….Team Busch. Can you just imagine the marketing for that one…LOL
  • Due to his $20 million funding of the Mars landing mission, Kyle Busch is going to have to stop paying Samantha for the goods … you think he’s a prick on the track now, just wait.
  • Princess Danika will become part owner, and drive #00000000000000oops1 car. They will bring in Chrissy Wallace to be the hand maiden and allow only women based sponsors, like Tampax, Kotex, Midol, and Cowgirl Creamery.
    The new team motto will be:
    Cowgirls keep thier calves loose to graze. …Or Cowgirls keep thier calves together.
    How cheesy.
  • Let’s see … two bros in a Busch is better than one in the … tush?
  • Danica HAS to drive the 00 car for Team Astroglide, with eyeballs or, alternately, n#$@#%$daubed in the O’s … Female drivers are forced to wear weighted fanny packs to race even with the lardasses they race against, and the motto: “Cowgirls keep their calves round the checkered flag!”
  • Kyle Busch will open a charm school, and a driving etiquette class.
  • “Just wait ’til you see the ‘Old Spice Girls’ next year at Daytona!”
  • Warren Wallace was actually at the wheel of the RWR 64 at Daytona when he put cuzzin Mike into the wall on the last lap.

Feel free to add your own, or join us over at the Big Church.

Tally Ho!





  1. Jon Daley reporting for ….. I suppose I can live with that as long as they don’t publish his photo next to every article he writes.

  2. […] the other. With the garage area finally being able to weed their way through much of the notorious Silly Season and a week of R&R in the rearview, the drivers will hit the track on Sunday more focused than […]

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